If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.