DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
One venti cheeseburger please.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK