The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.