Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long