When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis