me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….