Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m Sold!
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Good morning!