I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
You Might Also Like
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed