Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”