You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on