My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
i can’t wait that long
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough