“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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This was my dad’s browser history.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”