Fluff me with a fork baby
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
2022: I can fix it
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
sigh
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee