[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
mood
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Ain’t no way
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse