Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
How did we not see this back then?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.