The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Tony Hawk, age 6
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!