Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You Might Also Like
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Rather alarming headline…
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*