My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
You Might Also Like
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Any refunds available?…
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.