Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
you stereotypes are all alike
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out