Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.