I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer