My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.