Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The internet is full of many things
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent