Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.