For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.