Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]