4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
You Might Also Like
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*