If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?