Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.