My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.