Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Baller is short for ballerina
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice