I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?