I know
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur