I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.