I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
what’s the point then??
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.