Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.