My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
You Might Also Like
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance