“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Seek kebab; not attention
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies