Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.