E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I’ve had worse
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.