My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
You Might Also Like
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this