“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12