rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.