I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”