[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
damn he’s good
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).