My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
the short answer to this question
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.