Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?