Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
There’s only one good girl here!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes