Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
True freaking story!
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere