Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer